Looking Back to See Where I'm Going

9/24/11

Three years ago, I felt I had finally come to where I was supposed to be. I was a proud business owner; I loved my clients and couldn’t wait to start each day. I had finally come to terms that I was content with being single and that I had achieved as much as anyone, with my familial, cultural, and educational background, could achieve.

I am happily aware that I am still in the process of learning about myself. I’m realizing, learning about myself will always be an adventure. Just look up “Adventure” in the dictionary! It’s defined as “an exciting or unusual experience; it may also be a bold, usually risky undertaking, with an uncertain outcome.” The only thing certain about this process is, the day I stop writing my Developmental Autobiography will be the day that I die.

It’s been a bit overwhelming to realize how much emotions were stirred while re-visiting my developmental journey. I have a tendency to become overwhelmed with too much information, too many options, and without clear direction. When investigating my past, I realized there is so much tied into my relationships with my ability to learn, my relationship with dance, my desire for adventure, and my desire for a stable and loving home. It’s the relationships I have with those components that have gotten me to where I am today, embracing yet another adventure.

I had no map and no one was asking me for directions when I embarked on my personal journey towards being a Fitness Professional, Business owner, and Wife. I had spent much of my life waiting for the future to happen to me, or the end to come. I was content either way. I had no regrets, and figured that my life had already been filled with so many wonderful adventures that I should not want for anything else.

Looking back, just 3 years later, I know I was trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t want form more. I’d been fortunate enough to have experienced glorious amounts of romance during my traveling days. Kisses atop glaciated mountains in Tasmania; 2 gents at one time following me across the country trying to win my affection; flights to Las Vegas for amazing 13 course meals and Jimmy Choos, songs written for me; dishes made for the menus of amazing restaurants in order to woo me; a fine man who hiked 15 miles to bring me a bottle of wine and then sent a Coast Guard boat to bring me back to the island the next week for my dream meal. I knew that none of the married women I knew could say they had experienced such romance. But I wanted more.

I secretly yearned to share a home with a wonderful man who would inspire me, grow with me, challenge me, and be happy eating the wonderful meals I would be cooking with the beautiful things that I would grow in our garden. I had been convinced by my peers that I had set my standards too high and that I would never find anyone who would live up to the expectations I had set for a husband. Many people said that I was setting my sights too high in order to set myself up for failure. Most of what they said I believed was true, because part of me believed that I wasn’t worthy of a man who would be deserving of such a great woman. I never really felt worthy of pursuing the type of man I wanted. Even though I knew I’d be wonderfully loving, devoted, and hardworking, I felt inadequate for not having completed college.

Having been a successful Fitness Professional for over 10 years and by becoming a business owner, many people had assumed that I did have a college education. All of my clients and Fitness Professionals who have read my bio and resume are aware of all my well respected certifications. Many assumed I also had a degree. It was not until I had announced I was going to be enrolling in the LEAP Program that I found out how others perceived me. Many of my clients wondered why I wanted to get another degree. Many of them assumed that I already had a Sports Medicine or Kinesiology Degree considering the knowledge I possessed and the success they had achieved while I’ve been their Personal Trainer. I was flattered with the impression they had of me, and happy with how satisfied they are working with me. But instead of feeling proud, I felt like a fraud.

When I told them I had not completed college, they figured it was because I was a professional dancer. I’ve had no problem letting them believe that. Sadly, the truth is that even though dancing is one of the most demanding things anyone can ever do, it was actually the easy way out for me. The mere idea of trying to go back to college was more frightening than the idea of juggling rabid bob cats.

I’ve always found learning and retaining information to be a very challenging, although rewarding, endeavor. My outward confidence; my ability to articulate ideas and convey information as a well respected, knowledgeable Fitness Professional and (now former) Business Owner; and my broad range of knowledge, betrays the fact that I’m lacking in formal education. It has not been my lack of enthusiasm to seek knowledge that has kept me without a degree, but it has been my lack of degree that has left me with a lack of confidence. I did go to college for a time, but I did not stay long enough to get a degree. I pursued a dance career, but to be completely honest, I really didn’t know what else to do.

I was always on the move but never had a clue where I was going. I had barely realized that I had graduated from high school when I found myself enrolled, with a full course load at Glendale Community College, thanks to the Fine Arts Grants my Photography and Ceramics teachers had applied for on my behalf. I’m sure most kids would have been jumping for joy at this opportunity, considering the praise they would have gotten from parents, family, and friends. Sadly, I had none of those things. The Grandmother who had raised me had suffered a stroke a year earlier, and my mother had gone off the deep end, leaving me with nowhere to live. This situation didn’t leave much for celebration, nor did it help to give me any direction. Not once was I asked by my family, “What do you want to be when you grow up.” I had never considered an option, any options. So when the scholarships came my way, I went to college, but with no clue where I was going.

Not once did anyone suggest I see an academic counselor; I didn’t even know they existed. I was just told to enroll in all the required Fine Arts classes. So I did. Not once did anyone ask how I was supposed to complete these classes while living on my own, working 40 hours a week, managing a retail store in the Glendale Galleria. Not once did someone ask how I was going to manage my time between work, studying, and classes, while not having a car, and not having any roommates, friends, or family to help.

I appeared to have it all in the eyes of my living-at-home fellow students. Looking back, I can see why no one bothered to ask. I’m sure they figured I knew what I was doing, because I was doing it. Little did they know, I was failing. Not just my classes, but personally too. I felt so lost, and so out of control. I had no idea how life was to be done. I knew how to pay bills, how to get up and go to work, and cook great meals, thanks to my Grandma being an excellent example of great work ethic. But sadly, no one prepared me for college and living alone. No one in my family had done that. Still, no one in my family has done any of this, except for me. I was so young, and so alone, and so badly wanted to still be taken care of, but that was no longer an option.

When I realized that I was not going to succeed in the college classes I had enrolled in, I didn’t want to admit it. No one knew but me. I still appeared to be such an “adult.” I had a great job, by the standards of an under 21 year old college student. My bills were paid, I had freedom, I had dates, I had paid to put braces on my teeth, and I could come and go as I pleased. I was independent; something my Grandmother took great pride in. My Grandmother, a very hard working immigrant from Mexico City, who was proud to become an American, and worked for Lockheed for over 20 years, always stressed how important it was to never depend on anyone, especially a man. She was so proud to be the first (and only) woman in our family who got a divorce, lived on her own, and cut her hair, so “I would never be a stupid, subservient, wet back.” I wanted to be as independent as my Grandma since she was no longer around to enjoy her freedom.

I may have been independent, but really, I was just alone. What I really wanted was to feel confident, safe, and happy. I needed some direction. I wanted some direction. I wanted to feel confident, competent, I wanted a home…I wanted to go back to dance class.

Some could easily call it a regression to go back to a safe place. I like to think it was a brilliant survival instinct! What I was really craving was direction and discipline. A great dance program definitely delivers that! Most college students can’t wait to be on their own, but I was on my own without choice, at age 17. When college and my new independence became tough, I craved the structured atmosphere that I remembered from when I was young. I started skipping my academic classes and started going to Ballet Classes instead. I loved the discipline and the learning process. You don’t think, you “DO.” I loved being told what to do. I didn’t have to think, I just had to do well and all was right with the world. By giving up all the control in the dance studio, it gave me the power and the confidence to take control of my life for the first time ever. Or so I thought.

Dance also gave me the perfect substitute for an intense personal and physically rewarding relationship, which was perfect for someone who couldn’t afford to get too close to anyone. I thank dance for keeping me out of “trouble.” Dance class was the parents that I never had. In a dance class I had demanding, disciplined, and beautiful ballet mistresses who were confident and elegant and gave me plenty of attention. In ballet classes I had handsome dance masters that were masculine, demanding, yet unattainable. Dance was the easiest hard thing I have ever loved to do. I danced when I was happy, I danced when I was sad, I danced when I needed attention, and I danced when I wanted to be alone. Dance was my lover, my mentor, and my teacher. Dance became an adventure.

I have always been drawn to adventures. Since I was a young girl, I was always reading adventure and survival stories. I loved reading about new cultures and exotic places; different countries, food, drink, religion, and rituals. As I became a stronger dancer, more doors opened and I was exposed to new styles of dance, new cultures, new rituals, just like in the adventures I had read about. But I was never completely satisfied exploring these new experiences through dance. It was as if I always had a chaperone, and couldn’t really let go to enjoy the journey. Looking back, it was if I were an adolescent finally wanting to leave the nest. I wanted to spread my wings and explore the horizons. I wanted to explore the world without my parents. I wanted an adventure away from dance.

The transition was difficult; probably more difficult than leaving the nest of parental figures. By this time, dance was not only my family structure; it was my identity, my income, my excitement.  At this point dance was becoming my torment. I still loved dancing but I knew that dance careers are short lived. I also knew I wanted something more.

Dance had been the vehicle to so many wonderful life experiences and it had become a great excuse for why I had not finished college, but it was also keeping me from enjoying other things. It was around this time when I became aware that short lived dance contracts weren’t good for setting up great patterns for cultivating lasting relationships. Three months here. Six months there. Hello Goodbye.

Life was beginning to feel a bit creepy and impersonal. I was always keeping boyfriends at arm’s length because the contract could end at any time and I didn’t want to have to deal with goodbyes. Yet, I wanted more. But part of me knew that the “more” I wanted would be a shame to the Grandma I missed and loved so much. I wanted a relationship with a wonderful, respectable man, I wanted to have a stable home, I wanted to cook and care for the ones I loved. I knew I couldn’t have the “more” if I kept the dance. And if I had the “more” I wanted, it would disgust the memory of my Grandmother.

Then, dance was gone. Just as fast as my Grandma was. I was injured. I felt that dance had sent me divorce papers. As if I had been thinking of cheating on it and it found out. I hadn’t planned on my dance career being over before 30. I wanted to tell dance “I take it back! I wasn’t going to leave you! Give me at least 5 more years! Please give me another chance!” But just like when my Grandma had her stroke, I had no choice. Dance was gone, and so was my career, along with my identity, and my income, and my comfort. But this time, I had something else. I had passion, I had savings, I had my work ethic, I had my personality, I had experience and I had freedom. I had the freedom that comes with choice. I chose to be alone.

My solitude lasted a very long time. About 5 years. I learned a lot during that time. I learned to slow down, I looked before I leapt. I started making decisions vs scrambling for the next life preserver. I started spending more time alone in the wilderness. I learned to be still, to be quiet; to observe. When I would come back to reality and spend time with people, I would hold onto the stillness that I found when outside; it gave me the calm and clarity to observe others. I learned from others successes and failures. I chose to observe the people who had the lives I most wanted.

 I began working more hours as a kayaking instructor and wilderness guide. These days were relaxed and enjoyable. One day lead into the other with ease. I had gotten my CPR certification followed by taking an intense 10 day, 80 hour Wilderness Medicine Course, which opened more doors for me to begin guiding multi-day kayak camping trips, and leading hikes and fitness classes for wealthy people who also paid for my fitness certifications. I began creating custom Moonlight Kayak trips for several kayak companies in the Midwest, which included gourmet wine and cheese pairings. I decided that I was going to enjoy these adventures until I figured out what I would do next. I had no idea until about 5 years later that I was already living part of my dream.

The process of writing this paper helped me to see where I made some exciting steps in my personal growth; steps that I am really proud of, and have gotten me to where I am today. I can really see where I brought my dreams and abilities into reality, when I began placing some value on the things I desired. I can see where I finally gave myself permission to strive for the things I valued and desired most.  

Three years ago, I had a friend who I used to think was out of my league. I valued his work ethic; he was athletic, handsome, and so fun to be around. We also had the best group of friends in common. It was around this time that I had grown happy and content with my life, and my accomplishments. I loved having him as a friend. His approval meant nothing to me in a romantic sense since I had already come to the conclusion that I was passed the prime of being desirable as a wife, especially for such a wonderful man.  One night, while out with our gang of friends for a celebration, I decided to give him a kiss. I knew I’d be able to blame it on the champagne if it backfired. We went on our first date two days later. We were married on July first of this year.

The day after I began to write this paper, I left on a two day adventure. I knew the miles would bring movement to my body, stillness to my doubts, and clarity to my mind. I have grown to depend on these miles when I need them the most. My times alone in the wilderness have never failed to bring me to a new awareness.

I’ve enjoyed over 18 years of solo adventures and I never once understood people when they spoke about being homesick. I would usually just dismiss their sentiments as a sign of weakness, or I came to the conclusion that they were boring people who couldn’t be happy alone.  I still believed that until Thursday night.

I smelled like a dirt bag, with random tan and sunburn lines, and a big bruise on my behind. I had just completed a little over 38 miles of Hiking in 2 days, with over 8000ft elevation gain. I had also lost over 4lbs. These accomplishments are usually enough to make me feel as if I had enjoyed a thoroughly productive day on one of my adventures. But something was missing. I decided to walk down to the beach at sunset. I figured, “What’s another 2 miles after 38?” I was really missing my husband and was hoping he enjoyed the meals I left for him before I left. I looked down and found a tiny leaf shaped like a heart. I started to cry. I was homesick for the first time in my life.

I've lived alone since I was 17, it was always just me. When I used to go away there was no one waiting for me, missing me, loving me, and hoping for my safe return. There was nothing to miss. I was leaving nothing behind.

I had left on this adventure hoping to find some academic confidence and clarity in order to help the revision of the paper I had written the night before. Instead, what I found is what I was hoping for all of my life. What I have been working so hard for and didn’t even realize until I was typing it out and crying.

I have a home. I have the man I respect, love, and have always wanted. We work hard, we support each other, we deserve it, and it feels so good. J

-Melissa Adylia Calasanz

Developmental Autobiography for PPA LEAP110 Course

I Love an Adventure

10 Weeks ago, I set off on an exciting journey.

An academic Journey.

I enrolled in the LEAP Program via Saint Mary's College of California.

About 10 weeks ago, I began my third class; the Personal and Professional Assessment Leap100 Course, where each student has the opportunity to challenge 4 upper division courses by writing papers that prove our expertise in several subjects. 

I was assigned Kinesiology, Sociology, Psychology, and Small Business Administration.

In my last post I had stated that I would be posting tid bit on my experiences during the course. Well, I've been a bit overwhelmed with all the papers, so I'll go ahead and post some of the "free write" LPPs (Learning Process Papers) that we were assigned each week after attending each class.

FIRST WEEK

We were told to write about any fears or concerns  we had about the PPA course.

Keep in mind, this is a program where 18 former/current professional dancers are enrolled every 18 months. Many of us had not completed college when our professional dance careers had taken off, and most have not been in school for over 20 years.

9/13/11

I love an adventure, and I thrive on exploring the unknown. It is why I travel. It is why I explore my physical and mental limits by going on endurance solo-backpacking and solo-kayaking trips, climbing expeditions, and humbling myself by doing marathons.

Sitting in the Newport Public Library, on a perfectly sunny day, trying to find something to be frightened of, or concerned about, regarding the PPA Class is becoming a pleasant challenge. I know I signed up for an adventure when I enrolled in the LEAP Program, and I am certain the PPA Class will deliver an excellent adventure.

The rumors I’d heard about the PPA class, from fellow LEAP students, had painted the weeks ahead to be filled with some of the most challenging assignments that I would encounter during my time in the LEAP Program, due to the demands of writing so many papers, in so little time.

Had I been given this assignment the night before I attended the first class, I would have written many pages about my fears and concerns regarding my ability to endure the rigors of what was to come. The rumors were so vague regarding what I was going to have to write for the assignments, that I couldn’t help but feel a bit insecure, since my last attempt at a “scholarly” paper, for my Kinesiology class, was a disaster.  

My fears were put to rest after attending the first class, last night.  All I can feel is excitement! I feel as if I am getting ready to go on an adventure, one that I’ve been putting off for so long; putting off because, as with all journeys, I know I will have to say goodbye to the old me once I come to the end of the road. I guess that can be a little frightening. I am human, and I am not immune to sentimentality.

It is not always easy to say goodbye to the old to make room for the new. I have done it so many times, but this time I get something more valuable than just a stamp in my passport, life lessons, and stories to share. At end of this journey I will receive validation via Course Credit towards my education. And this adventure doesn’t even require a map! I get to explore me! I get to revisit the old me. I will get a chance to really see how it contributed to the “Me” I am today, and how it will influence the “Me” I will be someday.

I am excited this class will give me an opportunity, the permission, to discover the sum of all my parts. For some that can be frightening. For me, it is what I crave. I love a good adventure, and this adventure is a welcome challenge; a test of endurance and discovery, that I am sure will be filled with many highs and lows; an adventure that will leave me a new person once I come to the end of the journey. A journey that will be all about me, what I am, what I have been, and what I will become. I look forward to this intense, enlightening, and most likely, humbling adventure. I will welcome it with anticipation, not fear.

-Melissa Adylia Gutierrez

-Melissa Adylia Calasanz

Back to School!

Back in College after 20 years!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on the Disciplined Indulgence Blog.

So much has been happening.

Many of you know about the FIRE

at The Controlled Burn Fitness Studio.

If not, please feel free to read about it.

The day of the fire, I made up my mind to go back to school!

The catch: I had less than 5 days to go through the application process which included writing several lengthy essays and hunting down old college transcripts that date all the way back to 1990 when I first tackled college before heading off and pursuing my dance career.

I’m currently enrolled in the amazing LEAP Program 

(Liberal Education for Arts Professionals)

through Saint Mary’s College of California

I've already completed

KINES 17 - Kinesiology and Human Performance

I'm in the process completing

LEAP 176 - Writing for the Liberal Arts
and
LEAP 100 - Personal and Professional Assessment

 For the next couple of months I’ll be sharing bits, pieces, brainstorming, and rough drafts from some of the Learning Process Papers, Experiential Learning Papers, and Developmental Autobiographies, from my Personal and Professional Assessment course; and tid-bits from my Writing for Liberal Arts Class.

I welcome any comments, criticism, and words of encouragement.

Thank y’all so much for your continued support!

Wishing ya’ll a happy and healthy day!

M

J



Life's a Trip

Tomorrow marks 1 year since I created the Disciplined Indulgence Blog.

It's also the day Mister AC asked me to be his wife!

:)

Last week, Andrew told me to "Take a Hike!"

No, he doesn't want a divorce! :) He wants me to be happy! So he's sending me away to one of my favorite places, Santa Cruz Island

off the coast of Santa Barbara

The picture above was taken on one of my solo adventures to Santa Cruz Island, about 1 months after I returned from a trip to Tasmania. You can see my little blue tent in the left hand corner

:)

 

Thanks to the love and support of the amazing man I've married, I've begun to embark on several new adventures. Journey #1: I’m jumping back on the trail, of formal education, that I left a long time ago when I left college because my career as a professional dancer had taken off.  I had no clue how to return to school since I had no clue how I had even gotten there in the first place-I had been given scholarships for Ceramics and Photography and no one ever gave me a map in case I decided to return. Thankfully I've found my way back, thanks to much inquiry, and by surrounding myself with productive and supportive people. Journey #2: I'm recovering from the loss of the Controlled Burn Fitness Studio due to that fire in May. This event spurred me on to pursue the LEAP Program at Saint Mary's of California thanks to Career Transitions for Dancers. Journey #3: Taking a Hike! I need to disappear in order to find myself. Anytime I’ve ever been on the brink of a new and intimidating personal journey, I’ve made it a point to head out on a physical, solitary adventure. I’ve found these getaways to be so helpful with gaining perspective on my intentions and expectations, and these adventures give me uninterrupted time to really map out a plan of action.

I want to thank you for reading this far and if you have read any of my previous posts, wow, I am humbled. There is something so powerful, humbling and exciting about being able to transport a person to places where I’ve been. Stories come from experience; my experiences have all been adventures, my adventures have all contained personal epiphanies, and all of my personal epiphanies have coincided with my wilderness adventures. The fact that you've read any of them means so much to me.

Part of my blog's title reads:  "...Every Day Should be a Journey. This is Mine…”

I am so happy that you want to come along!

I invite y’all to share your journeys with me. Please feel free to post links to your blog, website, twitter, or feel free to ask any questions and post comments.

Here’s to the next year of wonderful advedntures!

Can’t wait! J

Life Lessons from My Kayak

Overall, I can easily say that my life is pretty wonderful.

J
But I am human. Even I have my sad days, or moments of helplessness.

There will always be challenges and life is not always puppies and rainbows, but I am always so happy each day when I wake up and know that I still have the ability to breathe, move, laugh, smile, and make decisions for myself and care for the ones I love.

I can give much thanks to all the time I spend on the water, with my kayak, for giving me a positive outlook on life.

I can rely on the ocean to help soothe my sorrows…and to teach me a lesson, or two.

I go kayaking to make my life better, to gain perspective, and to renew my will to move forward regardless of what obstacles may be waiting for me along the way.

When the going gets tough, I go kayaking.

The moment I’m out on the water I’m reminded of how lucky I am to be able to move. Without fail, if I’ve hit the water to work out some demons, a moment of calm can override my volatility, within moments of my paddle hitting the water.

While kayaking, I am easily reminded that I cannot fight the tide. I have to go with the flow, relax, enjoy the journey...all the good, the bad, and unexpected that comes with it.

Life is very much like ocean kayaking; one cannot truly be happy when fighting the ebbs and flows of life.

When I go kayaking, I ride a fine line between control and surrender. I find this balancing act to be wonderfully invigorating and very therapeutic. While kayaking, the water is my master and I’m always aware that Mother Nature is really the one in control.

As in life, while on the water, things can turn ugly without warning and I must not fight them. If I try to fight the tide, I will exhaust myself and, in a truly challenging situation, there is a chance I may die.

I have learned many lessons about life while being challenged on the water.

I’ve learned that proper planning, my ability to be alert and connected with body & mind is essential to keeping me safe and happy while on my adventures. Knowing better not to throw myself into harm’s way by putting myself into situations that are beyond my ability is essential to my safety, longevity, well being. I also choose my kayaking companions wisely. I choose to surround myself with kind, considerate, and productive people on the water (and in life)…if they have respect for their well-being it is pretty easy to assume they will respect others.

Kayaking has taught me that if I do not take inventory of all my gear and make sure that my kayak is in great condition, I cannot expect it to keep me safe. I take care of my body the way I take care of my kayak…as if my life depends on it…my life does depend on how I take care of it.

I’m not saying everyone should go kayaking (most people are freaked out by the water) but I do encourage everyone to start moving, start taking inventory of the people they surround themselves with, take inventory of what they have been doing to and with their body.

I encourage people to get to know their body and their mind. Respect it. Stop ignoring it. There is so much we can learn when we stop trying to turn things off.

I encourage everyone find their “kayaking.”

Life is as difficult as we want to make it. J

Enjoy the ride!
J

My Official Goodbye to the Original Controlled Burn Fitness Studio Location

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