Wednesday, November 30, 2011
"The Process" can be a Rabid Monster!
Everyone has weaknesses; finishing the last ELP was mine. Or so I thought. What the heck is my problem?! “Trust the Process…” My A**!
The process mocked me! It tormented me! It was a nightmare! I obsessed over it! It was more personally humiliating than crying in class. Really?...
The moment I sent ELP #1, the obsessing began again.
I thought I had given myself permission to send “ten pages of crap” after I spent over six hours thinking “I just couldn’t make it come together.” I was obsessing about clarity, credibility, and the peer review. However, my obsessing was more a symptom of something much deeper. Anger! Frustration! Helplessness! Something I didn’t realize till we were reviewing my paper in class. I was trying to control a paper that really didn’t need any strong-arming, because I am losing control.
I spend so much of my life taking care of other people’s bodies, with the care and consideration I give my own. I am the cheerleader, the motivator, the inspiration to so many people. No one sees my weaknesses. I refuse to show them to the public; why burden others when I am certain they have enough baggage to deal with too. However, on Monday night’s I find myself an open book-basket case, crying for no reason.
Perhaps it’s the odd, intimate anonymity the PPA class provides that gives me the venue to be a blubbering mess. No one in the PPA class has any expectations of me, except for me. None of my peers know of my accomplishments, failures, hopes, or dreams. I am just that girl who sits in the same seat each week. It’s comforting, knowing that no one there expects anything of me. It’s liberating knowing I can just be human, weak…no one will judge me because they don’t care, but…I NEED someone to care! Not the students; I don’t need them to care about my papers, my education, my past, or my future. I need a doctor! A doctor who will give a shit about me the way I’ve cared about my clients. A health care practitioner who will follow up, show concern, check in and see how the tests are going or let me know any findings.
What does this have to do with class? Well, it was while reading my paper at the same time the others were reading it. I read it through their eyes: Unbiased, and without expectations. Halfway through reading it, I felt a bit of pride. That was a surprise! It felt good. I really do know my stuff, have tons of experience, and nothing but success with my clients. How great is that?! Well, it’s great, but then I began to feel sad…then mad.
I’m mad! No matter how well I have cared for my body, something is wrong and I can’t find a health care provider who gives a shit! The doctors are perplexed when they see me, send me off for more tests, but do they ever check in to see how I am? Do the show concern? Hell no! They don’t give a shit! And it pisses me off!
The bottom line is that the last class, the peer review, and the paper brought to my attention that I do know more than I know, I did a pretty good job of conveying information, and I’m excited to integrate the suggestions from peer review into my paper. The class also made me aware that one of the main reasons I am so successful is because I CARE! I care about each client that comes to me and trusts me with their time, their health, and their future physical well-being. I am frustrated with the lack of concern that well-paid, highly capable people in the health care industry are lacking in something I take great pride in: caring about the individuals that come to them.
Yep, it’s really not about the paper, but this paper is a part of my future…
-Melissa Adylia Calasanz
-Melissa Adylia Gutierrez
Learning Process Paper from PPA LEAP 100 Course