A Reflection on My Journey Back to Dance
Hard work, a
little discomfort, humbling realizations of weakness...Must remember it will
all be worth it. Move your body, exercise your mind, challenge yourself and
thank the people who support you.
 |
| A 20 Year Old Melissa Adylia Gutierrez (now Calasanz) taking a dance break on the 5 freeway on the way to Sea World |
The Following was written on Tuesday, March 12, 2013, as an
assignment for a Jazz Class I am currently enrolled in at Orange Coast College.
Jazz was my thing...ballet was never my strong point. However, it is
fascinating for me to observe how uncomfortable I feel in this Jazz class compared
to how I feel while taking an Advanced Ballet Class, two days a week at
Glendale Community College.
OCC Jazz Dance Class Self Critique
It could be easy for a non-dancer to assume that a former
professional dancer would have no problem participating in a college level Jazz
dance class. However, I would be happy to assure anyone who held such an
assumption that, for some former professional dancers, returning to a college
dance class can prove to be challenging, not just physically, but also
emotionally. Since enrolling in this class, in order to fulfill a requirement
for my degree, I have had to face many unwelcomed insecurities, and I’ve also
had to learn how to accept where I am today. Having the assignment to give
myself a self-critique for my performance in our skills test on Tuesday, as
well as critiquing myself for attempting to execute the choreographed material,
has afforded the opportunity for me to reflect on my physical and emotional
journey back to dance.
Though I have only taken about fifteen dance classes in the past
five years, I have found that returning to dance class has been more of an
emotional challenge than a physical one. For instance, it has been difficult to
come to terms with the reflection I see in the mirror. Though my rational mind
knows I have a relatively wonderful body for a woman my age, the former
professional dancer in me has a minor emotional breakdown each day I have to
put on the required dance clothes for class. At a weight of over twenty pounds
more than what I weighed while I was dancing professionally, I no longer
recognize myself in the mirror, and when I do realize that the reflection I see
in the mirror is Me, there is a moment where my heart sinks and I yearn for the
days when I was young, lean, and talented.
I not only look so different from when I was a dancer, my body
moves much less gracefully, and it takes my body a lot longer to become in
synch with my mental intention. I no longer have a flair for picking up or
retaining choreography. This contributes to the fact that I no longer move with
the confidence and skill I did while I was a professional dancer.
However, though my ability to carry out choreography in a competent manner
still eludes me, I have been pleasantly surprised to see that I am still
capable of executing technical drills/exercises, in both the warm up and across
the floor, efficiently and with clarity. I am thrilled to see that years of
great technique is still ingrained in my muscle memory.
The idiosyncrasies in regards to my muscle memory were highlighted
while engaging in the across the floor skills test/improvisation on Tuesday.
The moment we were instructed to add “personal flair” to our walks across the
floor, I “had to” take my hair down in order to move with confidence. I had
already committed to challenge myself, the second week of this semester when I
decided to no longer wear my heels across the floor, but without the
security-blanket my heels represented, I felt completely naked and incapable of
“really dancing” with my hair up. I was amused by how obvious my insecurities could
be dealt with just by adjusting my hair. Once I took my hair down, the improvisation
passes across the floor become easier. I made a conscious effort to put my hair
back up as I relaxed and regained my confidence.
Unfortunately, my confidence didn’t last. When it was my
time to dance in a group, with all the young dancers, my emotions took over
once again and I was an internal mess-as I always happen to be during this
class. I do not remember even doing the routine. I find myself checking out
each time I’ve had to do it. I was not looking forward to viewing my
“performance” video later that evening. Thankfully, when I had the opportunity
to watch the video, I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t the worst thing I
had ever seen.
I chose to look at the video with kindness, and critique myself
for what I really am: I am no longer a professional dancer! I have not been a
professional dancer since 2005, and I have barely taken any dance classes in
years! I have suffered a non-dance/sport-related injury which has left my left
femur missing quite a bit of articular cartilage, and I have many other
physical obligations I have to attend to in my personal and professional life
which do not lend my body enough time to recover in order to go “full-out” in a
dance class!
Realizing I can objectively view myself, not as an old and
overweight “has-been” dancer, but as a student, is liberating. Yes, I was not
on the music, yes, there were times when it was obvious I had lost direction
and even forgot the choreography, and yes, the young dancers around me looked
beautiful and full of potential and remind me of what I once was. Fortunately,
I can now see what I still have, and what I will always have, and that is my
experience, and a new found respect for how I am facing this.
I intend to continue to challenge my comfort level as I continue
through this class, yet respect my physical limitations. My legs may no longer
get as high as they used to, but my placement is still good, and my intention
is respectful. I just need to give myself permission to stop comparing myself
to who I used to be as a woman and a dancer and celebrate who I am today: I am
an amazingly active fitness professional that loves participating in numerous
half and full marathons and trail races throughout the year; I love that I
kayak, trail run, hike, and bike weekly while taking jazz and ballet
classes-each twice a week-for the first time in years; I love that the degree I
am completing will continue helping me to keep dancers and athletes injury-free;
and I love that being a participant and an observer in this class is providing
me rich and valuable information that will enrich me just as much personally as
it will enrich me professionally.
-Melissa Adylia Calasanz
of
Controlled Burn Fitness
Chez Calasanz
and
Disciplined Indulgence
Chez Calasanz
and
Disciplined Indulgence
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