I'm Not Depressed, I Am Just Honest

Please correct me if I am wrong

I see myself as a pretty upbeat, thoughtful, and inspiring person.

Am I delusional?

Me, Melissa Adylia Calasanz, striking one of  my signature poses...
Hmmm, is this what a depressing person, with a poor self image, looks like?
Well, I guess so, if I am supposed to believe what I was told yesterday...
:/

Last week, I was assigned to do a Self Critique of my performance during my skills test for the Jazz 3-4 class I am enrolled in at Orange Coast College. (You can read  the essay in my previous post, "A Reflection on My Journey Back to Dance") I believe I did a very thoughtful and thorough "Self Critique."  However, the Jazz teacher, whose class I wrote it for, pulled me aside yesterday after class to "have a talk." She said that after she read my paper, she was worried about me. She said she thought I must be suffering from depression, thought I had an unhealthy self image, and that I needed to seek some counseling. Now, I'm certain that everyone could probably benefit from some counseling from time to time, myself included, but golly! I thought my self-critique was objective and insightful, and I made a pretty good effort to point out a positive after any negative I wrote about myself.

I found the process of writing the paper and sharing it on my blog, and with friends on Facebook, to be therapeutic and inspiring. In fact, I received some wonderful private messages from friends, clients, and fellow students who had read the paper after I posted the blog on FB. One of my dear friends even re-posted it on her FB page with this:

"My good friend, Melissa Adylia Calasanz, posted this today. I thought I would share it with my friends and family as I find these words quite inspirational." 

When I got home after the interesting conversation with the teacher, I reached out to the friends who had commented on my blog post. A dear friend, former client, and respected health and fitness professional posted this note:

“I think your teacher did not read the last two paragraphs of your wonderful essay. Count the number of "loves!" I think you evaluated the past and today in a completely honest, open, positive and accepting manner. Just think of how many great woman (and men) have written memoirs about aging, life, death, disease, loss, gains, basically the Shakespearean themes, and are they judged as depressed, over the hill, institution-able???? It is a shame that your teacher does not recognize your boundless joie de vivre! But those of us who are lucky to have you as a friend, confidante and teachers do know. That is what counts!”

In this day and age where people are constantly coddling each other with politically correct platitudes, and "everyone's a winner" just for showing up, it is rare to hear anyone openly and honestly share the fact that they have taken an honest look at themselves. I have no problem facing the truth-even if it stings a bit.

If  a "self critique" is supposed to be focused on one's "self," and everyone’s “self” has a mix of positive and negative, should there not be a focus on both the positive and negative?…Hmm, I guess I need a better education?

Anyway, here is the amended, "upbeat" paper I whipped up in 20 minutes last night.

I'd love your opinions, good and bad, please share!

Thanks!

-Melissa Adylia Calasanz

of

Controlled Burn Fitness

and

Chez Calasanz

A Reflection on My Journey Back to Dance

A Reflection on My Journey Back to Dance

Hard work, a little discomfort, humbling realizations of weakness...Must remember it will all be worth it. Move your body, exercise your mind, challenge yourself and thank the people who support you.

-Melissa Adylia Calasanz

of
Controlled Burn Fitness

A 20 Year Old Melissa Adylia Gutierrez (now Calasanz)
taking a dance break on the 5 freeway on the way to Sea World

The Following was written on Tuesday, March 12, 2013, as an assignment for a Jazz Class I am currently enrolled in at Orange Coast College. Jazz was my thing...ballet was never my strong point.  However, it is fascinating for me to observe how uncomfortable I feel in this Jazz class compared to how I feel while taking an Advanced Ballet Class, two days a week at Glendale Community College.  

OCC Jazz Dance Class Self Critique

It could be easy for a non-dancer to assume that a former professional dancer would have no problem participating in a college level Jazz dance class. However, I would be happy to assure anyone who held such an assumption that, for some former professional dancers, returning to a college dance class can prove to be challenging, not just physically, but also emotionally. Since enrolling in this class, in order to fulfill a requirement for my degree, I have had to face many unwelcomed insecurities, and I’ve also had to learn how to accept where I am today. Having the assignment to give myself a self-critique for my performance in our skills test on Tuesday, as well as critiquing myself for attempting to execute the choreographed material, has afforded the opportunity for me to reflect on my physical and emotional journey back to dance.

Though I have only taken about fifteen dance classes in the past five years, I have found that returning to dance class has been more of an emotional challenge than a physical one. For instance, it has been difficult to come to terms with the reflection I see in the mirror. Though my rational mind knows I have a relatively wonderful body for a woman my age, the former professional dancer in me has a minor emotional breakdown each day I have to put on the required dance clothes for class. At a weight of over twenty pounds more than what I weighed while I was dancing professionally, I no longer recognize myself in the mirror, and when I do realize that the reflection I see in the mirror is Me, there is a moment where my heart sinks and I yearn for the days when I was young, lean, and talented. 

I not only look so different from when I was a dancer, my body moves much less gracefully, and it takes my body a lot longer to become in synch with my mental intention. I no longer have a flair for picking up or retaining choreography. This contributes to the fact that I no longer move with the confidence and skill I did while I was a professional dancer.  However, though my ability to carry out choreography in a competent manner still eludes me, I have been pleasantly surprised to see that I am still capable of executing technical drills/exercises, in both the warm up and across the floor, efficiently and with clarity. I am thrilled to see that years of great technique is still ingrained in my muscle memory.

The idiosyncrasies in regards to my muscle memory were highlighted while engaging in the across the floor skills test/improvisation on Tuesday. The moment we were instructed to add “personal flair” to our walks across the floor, I “had to” take my hair down in order to move with confidence. I had already committed to challenge myself,  the second week of this semester when I decided to no longer wear my heels across the floor, but without the security-blanket my heels represented, I felt completely naked and incapable of “really dancing” with my hair up. I was amused by how obvious my insecurities could be dealt with just by adjusting my hair.  Once I took my hair down, the improvisation passes across the floor become easier. I made a conscious effort to put my hair back up as I relaxed and regained my confidence.

Unfortunately, my confidence didn’t last.  When it was my time to dance in a group, with all the young dancers, my emotions took over once again and I was an internal mess-as I always happen to be during this class. I do not remember even doing the routine. I find myself checking out each time I’ve had to do it. I was not looking forward to viewing my “performance” video later that evening. Thankfully, when I had the opportunity to watch the video, I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t the worst thing I had ever seen.

I chose to look at the video with kindness, and critique myself for what I really am: I am no longer a professional dancer! I have not been a professional dancer since 2005, and I have barely taken any dance classes in years! I have suffered a non-dance/sport-related injury which has left my left femur missing quite a bit of articular cartilage, and I have many other physical obligations I have to attend to in my personal and professional life which do not lend my body enough time to recover in order to go “full-out” in a dance class!

Realizing I can objectively view myself, not as an old and overweight “has-been” dancer, but as a student, is liberating. Yes, I was not on the music, yes, there were times when it was obvious I had lost direction and even forgot the choreography, and yes, the young dancers around me looked beautiful and full of potential and remind me of what I once was. Fortunately, I can now see what I still have, and what I will always have, and that is my experience, and a new found respect for how I am facing this.

I intend to continue to challenge my comfort level as I continue through this class, yet respect my physical limitations. My legs may no longer get as high as they used to, but my placement is still good, and my intention is respectful. I just need to give myself permission to stop comparing myself to who I used to be as a woman and a dancer and celebrate who I am today: I am an amazingly active fitness professional that loves participating in numerous half and full marathons and trail races throughout the year; I love that I kayak, trail run, hike, and bike weekly while taking jazz and ballet classes-each twice a week-for the first time in years; I love that the degree I am completing will continue helping me to keep dancers and athletes injury-free; and I love that being a participant and an observer in this class is providing me rich and valuable information that will enrich me just as much personally as it will enrich me professionally.

-Melissa Adylia Calasanz

of

Controlled Burn Fitness
Chez Calasanz
and
Disciplined Indulgence

End of Summer School Celebratory Dinner

End of Summer-Semester Celebratory Dinner

All the veggies prepped!
at Chez Calasanz

I really love cooking dinner.
I especially love sitting across the table from my husband while enjoying a home cooked meal.
I had not had the opportunity to prepare one sit-down meal during my summer semester. 

I was so involved with reading 12 books in 2 months, along with writing interpretive and comparative essays, that I decided it was best to prep all our meals ahead of time.
It was more practical to have ACs dinners waiting for him in the fridge when he got home since I was not returning from the library til usually after 9pm.
To celebrate the end of the semester, Mister AC picked up a bottle of bubbly as I prepared dinner.

Shrimp!

Shrimp is ready for cooking!at Chez Calasanz 

Getting plates ready to accept the bounty!
at Chez Calasanz

Mmm, I love fresh and colorful veggies!
Mandolined raw golden beets, heirloom carrots and cucumbers
at Chez Calasanz
:)

Fresh and colorful veggies with a blend of brown and wild rices and mung beans, along with mandolined raw golden beets, heirloom carrots and cucumbers.at Chez Calasanz
:)

Dinner is served!at Chez Calasanz
:)
Spicy shrimp (garlic, ginger, shallots, chives, green onion, and chili flakes)
served with
Fresh and colorful veggies with a blend of brown and wild rices and mung beans, along with mandolined raw golden beets, heirloom carrots and cucumbers.
:)

My favorite view while eating dinner: My wonderful man enjoying his mealI love cooking dinner for this wonderful man!
Thankfully, he enjoys eating my cooking.
:)at Chez Calasanz

Time to eat!
:)
Spicy shrimp (garlic, ginger, shallots, chives, green onion, and chili flakes)
served with
Fresh and colorful veggies with a blend of brown and wild rices and mung beans, along with mandolined raw golden beets, heirloom carrots and cucumbers.
-Melissa Adylia Calasanz
Chez Calasanz

Hydration is essential!at Chez Calasanz
:)
Look closely and you can see Mister AC snagging some more shrimp!

It was such a treat to cook such a colorful, healthy, and delicious meal.

The best part was finally enjoying a meal and bubbly with my wonderful husband.

It was so nice to sit across from him and chat about life and shenanigans. 

:)

Summer Salads: Easy, Delicious, & Nutritious

Salads

Colorful Ingredients = Delicious and Nutritious

This salad was for Mister ACs lunch.
Fresh greens topped with sliced cucumber; red, yellow, and orange heirloom tomatoes with Hawaiian sea salt and pepper; lentils, carrots, celery, green onion, and a hard boiled egg.
Oh, and No dressing necessary! All the veggies, lentils, eggs, and onions, add enough flavor...trust me.
:)

Who wants to cook when it's hot?

Not me.

Who wants to be in the kitchen when there are oceans to kayak, trails to hike and run, and beaches for reading books? 

Not me. 

So how do I find time to give my body delicious and nutritious meals that pack tons of flavor and still have time to enjoy all the wonderful physical activities summer has to offer?

I make salads! 

Fresh greens and shaved carrots, topped with blanched french beans; red, yellow, and orange heirloom tomatoes with Hawaiian sea salt and pepper; lentils, and a  boiled egg.
Oh, and No dressing necessary! All the veggies, lentils, eggs, and onions, add enough flavor...trust me.
:)

This salad was for my dinner
Fresh greens topped with sliced cucumber; red, yellow, and orange heirloom tomatoes with Hawaiian sea salt and pepper; lentils, carrots, celery, green onion, and a hard boiled egg.
Oh, and No dressing necessary! All the veggies, lentils, eggs, and onions, add enough flavor...trust me.
:)

The salad on the right was for me to take to school on a Monday night.
The salad on the right was for Mister ACs dinner.
Pretty much the same ingredients as above.

My post-8mile-hike meal on a Tuesday
Mixed greens and shaved carrots,
topped with blanched french beans, lentils, heirloom tomatoes, and hard boiled eggs.Served with the most amazing grapefruit!
So good!

Eating well doesn’t require much time or even "cooking"

You will have to do some rinsing of the veggies, and perhaps a little chopping, but that doesn't take long.

Once that's done, all you have to do is assemble the fresh and beautiful ingredients. 

Food for Thought

Pick the most colorful, and attractive ingredients (you are what you eat) and the better the salad will be! I promise!

:)

There is no easier or more flavorful way to get the and nutrition your body craves than with a salad.

Grab those veggies and Enjoy!

:)

Day after LA Marathon Dinner for Mister AC at Chez Calasanz

Mister AC ran the LA Marathon
on Sunday for his 40th Birthday

We followed up his run with wonderful friends
and his favorite treats of pizza and chips and other goodies.
So on Monday, I decided to cook him up something healthy, and nutritious.
This meal is packed with protein, fiber, and nutrient rich goodies.

Sauteed Super-Garlicky Shrimp and Shallots

Mister AC loves pasta
All kinds of pasta.
Any shape, size, hot, cold, with sauce, without sauce...he loves pasta!
He also likes spinach (lightly steamed and chopped), and cheese (little mozzarella balls), so I decided to toss them all together with roasted baby tomatoes (in the oven at 350 with just salt and pepper till they looked good to me), shallots (raw and diced), white kidney beans (canned, thoroughly rinsed), sage (fresh coarse shopped), a hint of olive oil, balsamic, salt and pepper.
The combo made an excellent pasta salad that was both nutritious and delicious.
Had to throw in a side o Green Beans for color and texture.

Served with love
and a bottle of Prosecco from our dear friend Jessica S
(Thanks Jessica S for the Bubbly!)
A wonderful home cooked meal for my wonderful man.
Cheers!
: )
3.21.11

Soft and Cuddly or Gas Station Toilet Paper?

I recently asked several of my Personal Training Clients

why they enjoy training with me and how they would describe my

Personal Training Style.

The answers were interesting, entertaining, and enlightening.

I will also add, that it reinforced the pride that I have in my Training Style.

I prefer to deliver what I also crave from a workout

Quality

Intensity

Results

I've been described as many things by friends, family, and clients

Happy
Healthy
Inspiring
Motivating
Positive
Sweet

Fun

Hyper

Interesting

Energetic
Understanding
Reliable

I've also been described as
Focused
Intense
Disciplined
Driven
Demanding
Relentless
Calculated
Detail Oriented
Humbling

When looking for a workout where you will be required to sweat and push yourself more than you can or want to do on your own

Do you prefer your workouts to be Soft and Cuddly

full of cliches and affirmations

where the instructor wipes your behind with a silk cloth

or

Do you prefer your workouts to be intense

all about finesse, sometimes humbling, challenging, and rewarding.

My favorite response so far

" That you are rough gas station toilet paper!  And you do not put up with any of your client's complaining shit!  HAHA"

And This

"we should call the workouts 'Bitch Slap!' The workout that doesn't coddle your cottage cheese, we slap if off your ass!"

Hey, I kinda like that!
; )

Funny thing is
another client responded with
"you are gentle and understanding and know what my body needs..."

Yep, my Personal Training Style is definitely
PERSONALIZED
: )
I LOVE my clients!!!
: )

Wishing y'all a Happy and Healthy Day!
-Melissa Adylia Gutierrez
Owner/Personal Trainer
Controlled Burn Fitness




 

Bar Snacks 12/12/2010

Cute snacks for cute guests

go great with a  BIG bottle of Sake!

Prepared for Erin and Ann

after the Xterra Crystal Cove Ultra

on Sunday, 12/12/2010

 : )

One does not have to slave over a hot stove for hours

to make their guests feel appreciated.

This quick little snack

was put together in as much time that it took for Erin, Ann, and Andrew

 to head to the 99Ranch Market (2 miles away)

to pick up the BIG bottle of Sake.

I figured these little treats would do the job

to hold them till I prepared the

Ghetto Gourmet Ramen for dinner.

Cute little deviled quail eggs

topped with caviar and chives

served with

garlicky/buttery toasts, cold sake, and cold beer.

I love

our  Kitchen "bar" at "Chez Calasanz"

Cheers!

: )

Beautiful Bird

When the weather cools down

I love to turn on the oven and cook amazing meals

Lately, the weather has been hit or miss

One day it's freezing

(by my SoCal standards, anything below 70 should be against the law)

the next day,over 80 degrees

I love a perfectly cooked chicken

Paired with roasted veggies and a glass of bubbly

Last Friday,

The weather was in my favor!

: )

First Step

Start with the best ingredients

I Grabbed this beautiful bird at my favorite Butcher Shop

McCalls Meat and Fish Company

in Los Feliz, CA

Simply, Cut up some veggies and aromatics

Throw in a Pyrex dish

Place birdie on top after stuffing it with some of the veggies and aromatics

Smear the skin with delicious butter, salt, pepper, and garlic

Top with herbs

Put in oven

Take your time preparing your side dishes

and cleaning the kitchen

Here is your reward

A Beautiful Bird!

I could stare at this all day

but I'd prefer eating it

Crispy Skin

Juicy Meat

A Perfect plate of dark meat

Served with rice, roasted carrots and garlic, and steamed spinach

A Perfect plate of white meat

Served with rice, roasted carrots and garlic, and steamed spinach

I love adding roasted Shallots, yellow onions, thyme, and sage

Served up with my favorite view

Mister Andrew C enjoying one of my home cooked meals

along with his favorite garnishes

Slowly toasted green onions, garlic, shallots, and yellow onions

Dinner was amazing

Had to make a plate for Andrew to take for lunch the next day.

Thank you McCalls for another perfect bird.

Can't wait to rock the chicken stock I made with the bones and make some risotto this week!

I welcome everyone to share your favorite way of preparing a chicken.

Cheers!

: )

Post 1/2 Marathon Disciplined Indulgent Treat

Sunday, October 24th

I "ran"

The Los Angeles Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon

I Love this pic!

This pic was Courtesy of Louis Kwan.

You can view a ton more pics from the Los Angeles Rock n Roll 1/2

here

I was craving something super delicious

as a treat to celebrate a few long weeks of training clients and completing this 1/2 Marathon, completely unprepared, over trained, and utterly exhausted.

Sometimes I crave some "interesting" things after a long run

Cold pizza and beer

really hit the spot after the

San Diego Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon

(June 2010)

After this 1/2 Marathon, I was craving something a little more indulgent.

Marrow Bones!

But first, I had to make a quick pit stop to one of my all time favorite places 

Best Fish Taco in Ensenada

for a shrimp taco before heading to my other post-run-standby

Chi Dynasty in Los Feliz

for a large order of Sizzling Rice Soup!

After taking care of serious business

Saying hello to the most wonderful fish taco stand owner, Joseph Cordova, and eating my favorite immediate-post-run-snack

and heading to Chi Dynasty for my Sizzling Rice Soup

I headed towards

My Meaty Mecca

McCall's Meat and Fish

to grab some

BONES!!!

Placed them atop some foil on a baking sheet,

sprinkled them with flake salt and some freshly ground pepper

and surrounded them with fresh sage from my garden

and let them get all toasty

Served them with toasted whole grain bread

and a bottle of bubbly

What more could a gal ask for?

Toasted Shallots, Garlic, and Onions!

...for the amazing Cod

Also picked up from McCall's!

Of course, I had to throw in some pretty heirloom tomatoes

for color, flavor, texture, and nutritional value

All served up with my favorite view

Mister Andrew C, enjoying a meal cooked up by little ol' me

: )

He loved the bones

and the pretty fish as much as I did!

What do you enjoy after a run?

 



Quality vs Quantity

You'll find the best quality Meats and Fish at

McCAll's Meat and Fish Co.

And you'll leave with a really cute bag filled will amazingly delicious treats.

This bag had the prettiest piece of Salmon and a split Marrow Bone.

Some of you know that salmon is my least favorite fish.

I have the hardest time finding High Quality, FRESH salmon, so I am usually turned off by salmon...

If Salmon is even a hint low rent

it tastes and smells like broke-down-stripper-a**!

And it's usually hard to tell if you're really getting good salmon because, just like "broke-down-stripper a**", many sins can be covered with good lighting and all kinds of other smoke and mirrors...you can't always tell till it's too late.

I was in the neighborhood today

visiting the gang at A Runners Circle to pick up my "Potty Like a Rock Star Pass", courtesy of Brooks, for the The Los Angeles Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon when the gang from Heartbeat House called me and asked if I could teach the 4pm Contemporary Dance Class.

I had been thinking of grabbing marrow bones from McCall's

for the last 3 weeks

but time and traffic just hadn't been on my side.

Today was my lucky day!

I was going to have a little extra cash in hand from teaching the class

so I had to go to McCall's.

I was really craving a piece of fish for dinner tonight.

I was feeling hopeful and was praying that they'd have the best of both worlds:

Marrow bones

and

Fish

and they did!

Even though Salmon rarely makes me smile,

I was smiling the moment I saw it in the display case...the skin looked so good.

Sorry there is no pic of the skin

I toasted it and ate it before taking the pic...what can I say, I have no restraint.

I had to keep it simple

Crisped up some of my favorite ingredients

Placed the pretty fish on top

and baked it at 325degress with a sprinkle of flake salt and freshly ground pepper.

I forgot to take a pictures after adding the heirloom tomatoes

they were baked with the fish

Served the fish over Jade Pearl Rice

and sprinkled with fresh chives

Topped it off with one of my favorite Cavas

which I picked up from my all time favorite boutique wine shop

Silverlake Wine

A perfect meal for the evening before a 1/2 Marathon

Cheers!

: )

What is your favorite meal the night before a big run?

BTW

The Salmon was

AMAZING!

I wish I saved some for breakfast!